Some things you you should NEVER say to (or around) your kids. For anonymity's sake I won't name any names but if your name starts with an N and rhymes with 8 please pay special attention.
It is probably not a good idea if, when you see your wife headed toward your sick crying child with a bottle of medicine and a spoon, you ask "what medicine are you giving her?" alerting said child of impending doom. Further, when your wife answers cryptically "the purple stuff" letting you know that it is the yucky gaggy medicine your kid hates and not the yummy bubblegummy pink stuff she would guzzle if possible, try to refrain from blurting "oh she's gonna hate that!"
Here is another scenario where discretion is advised. Say your child has successfully had several dental visits. This would include a trip where the dentist "tickled the pinchy tooth bugs to sleep" and put a sparkly pink filling in. When that child's cleaning visit comes around and she is counting down the days until her visit because she loves the dentist, please, no saying "you know they give you shots at the dentist right?"
"You wanna watch (insert insanely inappropriate and night mare inducing movie here)." I know, I know you are (probably?) joking but I fear the age of our children where this ceases to be a joke for you is going to be about ten years too soon.
Yet another seemingly innocent gem. "After you wake up, then you can have ice-cream" or "go to the party" or "it's Christmas". Cut to bright eyed sleep deprived child staring at ceiling for entire duration of sleep prescribed time. Makes for some cranky fun time.
So basically, good or bad, never warn children of ANYTHING. E-V-E-R.
(oh and no Jaws marathons either.)
5.18.2011
5.08.2011
Moms say the darndest things
In honor of Mother's day here are a few things I was utterly surprised to hear myself saying.
"because I'm the mother, that's why!"- OK, ignoring the fact that this means I have actually become my mother there is a secondary reason I was surprised at finding myself saying this. I had some silly idea that I was going to be a hip mom. A mom who used "teaching moments". A mom who took the time to explain things in great detail to little minds so they understood the basis of my decisions and could reason with my logic. YEAH RIGHT!
"Finish your happy meal before you go play"- in my pre-child life I was always dumbfounded to hear parents say this. I thought to myself, "yeah, make sure your force feed that kid a box full of grease and deny them a chance to run around and exercise." Well, slice me off a piece of that humble pie with my own words filling. I was missing a crucial piece of the equation. I paid for that!
"Don't pour the cereal in your monkey"- This one in particular stands out because I said it while talking on the phone to my sister. I was all geared up to explain that we have a soap dish monkey that is capable of holding liquid contents. But my sister (a mother of four herself) didn't miss a beat in our conversation. She either didn't care about a cereal bloated monkey running around our house or she was by this point completely unflappable by the weirdness of raising kids.
"That (insert ANY nonfood item) is NOT food"- why do I even have to say this? My kids stick EVERYTHING in their mouth. And we're not talking about the under one exploratory mouthing stage. They're two and four. They were born without the "this tastes gross" gene. It's sad really. My nutritional standards went from "organic and healthy", to "I try to keep it balanced", past "edible", on to "is it biodegradable?" I finally loosened them all the way to "will it pass safely?"
"The baby ate a spider"- I pulled out three legs.
"Did you play in that bucket of poop?"- To be fair, it wasn't my bucket of poop, it was my neighbors bucket of poop. Dog, to be exact, just waiting to be disposed of. I am proud to report the answer was no.
Happy Mother's day to all you great moms out there!
"because I'm the mother, that's why!"- OK, ignoring the fact that this means I have actually become my mother there is a secondary reason I was surprised at finding myself saying this. I had some silly idea that I was going to be a hip mom. A mom who used "teaching moments". A mom who took the time to explain things in great detail to little minds so they understood the basis of my decisions and could reason with my logic. YEAH RIGHT!
"Finish your happy meal before you go play"- in my pre-child life I was always dumbfounded to hear parents say this. I thought to myself, "yeah, make sure your force feed that kid a box full of grease and deny them a chance to run around and exercise." Well, slice me off a piece of that humble pie with my own words filling. I was missing a crucial piece of the equation. I paid for that!
"Don't pour the cereal in your monkey"- This one in particular stands out because I said it while talking on the phone to my sister. I was all geared up to explain that we have a soap dish monkey that is capable of holding liquid contents. But my sister (a mother of four herself) didn't miss a beat in our conversation. She either didn't care about a cereal bloated monkey running around our house or she was by this point completely unflappable by the weirdness of raising kids.
"That (insert ANY nonfood item) is NOT food"- why do I even have to say this? My kids stick EVERYTHING in their mouth. And we're not talking about the under one exploratory mouthing stage. They're two and four. They were born without the "this tastes gross" gene. It's sad really. My nutritional standards went from "organic and healthy", to "I try to keep it balanced", past "edible", on to "is it biodegradable?" I finally loosened them all the way to "will it pass safely?"
"The baby ate a spider"- I pulled out three legs.
"Did you play in that bucket of poop?"- To be fair, it wasn't my bucket of poop, it was my neighbors bucket of poop. Dog, to be exact, just waiting to be disposed of. I am proud to report the answer was no.
Happy Mother's day to all you great moms out there!
5.03.2011
Winner winner prepackaged dinner.
My cooking skills are somewhat unpredictable. Either I turn out delectable masterpieces (if you run into Sharon anytime soon ask her about my chicken noodle, she still raves) or abysmal failures. I like to have a "live test" for the smoke detectors about once a week, and I'm happy to report those suckers WORK. My meals are so unpredictable that it's gotten to the point Nate will tell me several times a day, don't worry about dinner for me and the kids, you just take care of yourself before you leave for work. (I work nights)
Today however, I turned out a meal of such amazing mediocrity and dullness that I barely had any room to screw it up. Here are the steps taken to accomplish this feat.
1. Sticking to the usual plan of ignoring your family and fending for yourself, head to the fridge to assemble the delicious "lick the bowl clean" chicken salad. Aww crap, no chicken, you ate it all at lunch dummy.
2. Scour the fridge to see what else you can throw together
3. Immediately abandon the ketchup, lemon juice, moldy cheese concoction that is your only option from available fridge contents.
4. Go deepfreeze diving. Surface for air clutching a family size box of Salisbury steaks. Come to grips with the fact that you are now cooking for the whole family.
5. Send daughter out for cans of corn (that you sprained your ankle NOT stepping on two weeks ago.)
6. Pop that tray in the nuker.
7. While throwing out the box realize firstly, that it makes the point of telling you explicitly that the processed meat is in yummy gravy and secondly, you need mashed potatoes.
8. Mourn the absence of (fakey) mashed potatoes in your pantry and settle for stovetop stuffing instead.
9. While washing the only slotted spoon in the house stifle gag when you realize the sponge has gone all mildewy.
10. Throw sponge away and wash hands
11. Wash hands again
12. One more wash should get rid of the smell.
13. Get the pot o butter water boiling for that stovetop. (save nutritional guilt trip for later when you can't fall asleep)
14. Recognize daughter has been watching tv for five minutes and ask her "where ARE those cans of corn?" and then congratulate yourself for not laughing OR screaming when she vaguely answers "in the house."
15. While turning with boiling pot o butter water to dump into stovetop stuffing mix do NOT scald yourself when you notice son scrubbing his face with mildewy sponge.
16. Send son to wash hands and face.
17. Sniff your hands, wash again.
18. Dump two cans of corn into sauce pan with a little more butter (more guilt for later) and a dash er DUMP of pepper.
19. Scoop out as much pepper as you can.
20. Listen for the beep.
If you have followed all steps correctly you will be able to enjoy such comments as..." you already made dinner? I had a plan" and... " mommy, can I just have the corn, in a bowl, with a spoon, in front if the tv?" also... "ewwwwwww gross" (this last one made by a two year old while shoveling in spoonfuls.)
Today however, I turned out a meal of such amazing mediocrity and dullness that I barely had any room to screw it up. Here are the steps taken to accomplish this feat.
1. Sticking to the usual plan of ignoring your family and fending for yourself, head to the fridge to assemble the delicious "lick the bowl clean" chicken salad. Aww crap, no chicken, you ate it all at lunch dummy.
2. Scour the fridge to see what else you can throw together
3. Immediately abandon the ketchup, lemon juice, moldy cheese concoction that is your only option from available fridge contents.
4. Go deepfreeze diving. Surface for air clutching a family size box of Salisbury steaks. Come to grips with the fact that you are now cooking for the whole family.
5. Send daughter out for cans of corn (that you sprained your ankle NOT stepping on two weeks ago.)
6. Pop that tray in the nuker.
7. While throwing out the box realize firstly, that it makes the point of telling you explicitly that the processed meat is in yummy gravy and secondly, you need mashed potatoes.
8. Mourn the absence of (fakey) mashed potatoes in your pantry and settle for stovetop stuffing instead.
9. While washing the only slotted spoon in the house stifle gag when you realize the sponge has gone all mildewy.
10. Throw sponge away and wash hands
11. Wash hands again
12. One more wash should get rid of the smell.
13. Get the pot o butter water boiling for that stovetop. (save nutritional guilt trip for later when you can't fall asleep)
14. Recognize daughter has been watching tv for five minutes and ask her "where ARE those cans of corn?" and then congratulate yourself for not laughing OR screaming when she vaguely answers "in the house."
15. While turning with boiling pot o butter water to dump into stovetop stuffing mix do NOT scald yourself when you notice son scrubbing his face with mildewy sponge.
16. Send son to wash hands and face.
17. Sniff your hands, wash again.
18. Dump two cans of corn into sauce pan with a little more butter (more guilt for later) and a dash er DUMP of pepper.
19. Scoop out as much pepper as you can.
20. Listen for the beep.
If you have followed all steps correctly you will be able to enjoy such comments as..." you already made dinner? I had a plan" and... " mommy, can I just have the corn, in a bowl, with a spoon, in front if the tv?" also... "ewwwwwww gross" (this last one made by a two year old while shoveling in spoonfuls.)
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