Some things you you should NEVER say to (or around) your kids. For anonymity's sake I won't name any names but if your name starts with an N and rhymes with 8 please pay special attention.
It is probably not a good idea if, when you see your wife headed toward your sick crying child with a bottle of medicine and a spoon, you ask "what medicine are you giving her?" alerting said child of impending doom. Further, when your wife answers cryptically "the purple stuff" letting you know that it is the yucky gaggy medicine your kid hates and not the yummy bubblegummy pink stuff she would guzzle if possible, try to refrain from blurting "oh she's gonna hate that!"
Here is another scenario where discretion is advised. Say your child has successfully had several dental visits. This would include a trip where the dentist "tickled the pinchy tooth bugs to sleep" and put a sparkly pink filling in. When that child's cleaning visit comes around and she is counting down the days until her visit because she loves the dentist, please, no saying "you know they give you shots at the dentist right?"
"You wanna watch (insert insanely inappropriate and night mare inducing movie here)." I know, I know you are (probably?) joking but I fear the age of our children where this ceases to be a joke for you is going to be about ten years too soon.
Yet another seemingly innocent gem. "After you wake up, then you can have ice-cream" or "go to the party" or "it's Christmas". Cut to bright eyed sleep deprived child staring at ceiling for entire duration of sleep prescribed time. Makes for some cranky fun time.
So basically, good or bad, never warn children of ANYTHING. E-V-E-R.
(oh and no Jaws marathons either.)
5.18.2011
5.08.2011
Moms say the darndest things
In honor of Mother's day here are a few things I was utterly surprised to hear myself saying.
"because I'm the mother, that's why!"- OK, ignoring the fact that this means I have actually become my mother there is a secondary reason I was surprised at finding myself saying this. I had some silly idea that I was going to be a hip mom. A mom who used "teaching moments". A mom who took the time to explain things in great detail to little minds so they understood the basis of my decisions and could reason with my logic. YEAH RIGHT!
"Finish your happy meal before you go play"- in my pre-child life I was always dumbfounded to hear parents say this. I thought to myself, "yeah, make sure your force feed that kid a box full of grease and deny them a chance to run around and exercise." Well, slice me off a piece of that humble pie with my own words filling. I was missing a crucial piece of the equation. I paid for that!
"Don't pour the cereal in your monkey"- This one in particular stands out because I said it while talking on the phone to my sister. I was all geared up to explain that we have a soap dish monkey that is capable of holding liquid contents. But my sister (a mother of four herself) didn't miss a beat in our conversation. She either didn't care about a cereal bloated monkey running around our house or she was by this point completely unflappable by the weirdness of raising kids.
"That (insert ANY nonfood item) is NOT food"- why do I even have to say this? My kids stick EVERYTHING in their mouth. And we're not talking about the under one exploratory mouthing stage. They're two and four. They were born without the "this tastes gross" gene. It's sad really. My nutritional standards went from "organic and healthy", to "I try to keep it balanced", past "edible", on to "is it biodegradable?" I finally loosened them all the way to "will it pass safely?"
"The baby ate a spider"- I pulled out three legs.
"Did you play in that bucket of poop?"- To be fair, it wasn't my bucket of poop, it was my neighbors bucket of poop. Dog, to be exact, just waiting to be disposed of. I am proud to report the answer was no.
Happy Mother's day to all you great moms out there!
"because I'm the mother, that's why!"- OK, ignoring the fact that this means I have actually become my mother there is a secondary reason I was surprised at finding myself saying this. I had some silly idea that I was going to be a hip mom. A mom who used "teaching moments". A mom who took the time to explain things in great detail to little minds so they understood the basis of my decisions and could reason with my logic. YEAH RIGHT!
"Finish your happy meal before you go play"- in my pre-child life I was always dumbfounded to hear parents say this. I thought to myself, "yeah, make sure your force feed that kid a box full of grease and deny them a chance to run around and exercise." Well, slice me off a piece of that humble pie with my own words filling. I was missing a crucial piece of the equation. I paid for that!
"Don't pour the cereal in your monkey"- This one in particular stands out because I said it while talking on the phone to my sister. I was all geared up to explain that we have a soap dish monkey that is capable of holding liquid contents. But my sister (a mother of four herself) didn't miss a beat in our conversation. She either didn't care about a cereal bloated monkey running around our house or she was by this point completely unflappable by the weirdness of raising kids.
"That (insert ANY nonfood item) is NOT food"- why do I even have to say this? My kids stick EVERYTHING in their mouth. And we're not talking about the under one exploratory mouthing stage. They're two and four. They were born without the "this tastes gross" gene. It's sad really. My nutritional standards went from "organic and healthy", to "I try to keep it balanced", past "edible", on to "is it biodegradable?" I finally loosened them all the way to "will it pass safely?"
"The baby ate a spider"- I pulled out three legs.
"Did you play in that bucket of poop?"- To be fair, it wasn't my bucket of poop, it was my neighbors bucket of poop. Dog, to be exact, just waiting to be disposed of. I am proud to report the answer was no.
Happy Mother's day to all you great moms out there!
5.03.2011
Winner winner prepackaged dinner.
My cooking skills are somewhat unpredictable. Either I turn out delectable masterpieces (if you run into Sharon anytime soon ask her about my chicken noodle, she still raves) or abysmal failures. I like to have a "live test" for the smoke detectors about once a week, and I'm happy to report those suckers WORK. My meals are so unpredictable that it's gotten to the point Nate will tell me several times a day, don't worry about dinner for me and the kids, you just take care of yourself before you leave for work. (I work nights)
Today however, I turned out a meal of such amazing mediocrity and dullness that I barely had any room to screw it up. Here are the steps taken to accomplish this feat.
1. Sticking to the usual plan of ignoring your family and fending for yourself, head to the fridge to assemble the delicious "lick the bowl clean" chicken salad. Aww crap, no chicken, you ate it all at lunch dummy.
2. Scour the fridge to see what else you can throw together
3. Immediately abandon the ketchup, lemon juice, moldy cheese concoction that is your only option from available fridge contents.
4. Go deepfreeze diving. Surface for air clutching a family size box of Salisbury steaks. Come to grips with the fact that you are now cooking for the whole family.
5. Send daughter out for cans of corn (that you sprained your ankle NOT stepping on two weeks ago.)
6. Pop that tray in the nuker.
7. While throwing out the box realize firstly, that it makes the point of telling you explicitly that the processed meat is in yummy gravy and secondly, you need mashed potatoes.
8. Mourn the absence of (fakey) mashed potatoes in your pantry and settle for stovetop stuffing instead.
9. While washing the only slotted spoon in the house stifle gag when you realize the sponge has gone all mildewy.
10. Throw sponge away and wash hands
11. Wash hands again
12. One more wash should get rid of the smell.
13. Get the pot o butter water boiling for that stovetop. (save nutritional guilt trip for later when you can't fall asleep)
14. Recognize daughter has been watching tv for five minutes and ask her "where ARE those cans of corn?" and then congratulate yourself for not laughing OR screaming when she vaguely answers "in the house."
15. While turning with boiling pot o butter water to dump into stovetop stuffing mix do NOT scald yourself when you notice son scrubbing his face with mildewy sponge.
16. Send son to wash hands and face.
17. Sniff your hands, wash again.
18. Dump two cans of corn into sauce pan with a little more butter (more guilt for later) and a dash er DUMP of pepper.
19. Scoop out as much pepper as you can.
20. Listen for the beep.
If you have followed all steps correctly you will be able to enjoy such comments as..." you already made dinner? I had a plan" and... " mommy, can I just have the corn, in a bowl, with a spoon, in front if the tv?" also... "ewwwwwww gross" (this last one made by a two year old while shoveling in spoonfuls.)
Today however, I turned out a meal of such amazing mediocrity and dullness that I barely had any room to screw it up. Here are the steps taken to accomplish this feat.
1. Sticking to the usual plan of ignoring your family and fending for yourself, head to the fridge to assemble the delicious "lick the bowl clean" chicken salad. Aww crap, no chicken, you ate it all at lunch dummy.
2. Scour the fridge to see what else you can throw together
3. Immediately abandon the ketchup, lemon juice, moldy cheese concoction that is your only option from available fridge contents.
4. Go deepfreeze diving. Surface for air clutching a family size box of Salisbury steaks. Come to grips with the fact that you are now cooking for the whole family.
5. Send daughter out for cans of corn (that you sprained your ankle NOT stepping on two weeks ago.)
6. Pop that tray in the nuker.
7. While throwing out the box realize firstly, that it makes the point of telling you explicitly that the processed meat is in yummy gravy and secondly, you need mashed potatoes.
8. Mourn the absence of (fakey) mashed potatoes in your pantry and settle for stovetop stuffing instead.
9. While washing the only slotted spoon in the house stifle gag when you realize the sponge has gone all mildewy.
10. Throw sponge away and wash hands
11. Wash hands again
12. One more wash should get rid of the smell.
13. Get the pot o butter water boiling for that stovetop. (save nutritional guilt trip for later when you can't fall asleep)
14. Recognize daughter has been watching tv for five minutes and ask her "where ARE those cans of corn?" and then congratulate yourself for not laughing OR screaming when she vaguely answers "in the house."
15. While turning with boiling pot o butter water to dump into stovetop stuffing mix do NOT scald yourself when you notice son scrubbing his face with mildewy sponge.
16. Send son to wash hands and face.
17. Sniff your hands, wash again.
18. Dump two cans of corn into sauce pan with a little more butter (more guilt for later) and a dash er DUMP of pepper.
19. Scoop out as much pepper as you can.
20. Listen for the beep.
If you have followed all steps correctly you will be able to enjoy such comments as..." you already made dinner? I had a plan" and... " mommy, can I just have the corn, in a bowl, with a spoon, in front if the tv?" also... "ewwwwwww gross" (this last one made by a two year old while shoveling in spoonfuls.)
4.28.2011
The bunny flop
There seems to be a huge culture clash at my house. It usually crops up around holidays. Here, some actual (abridged) conversations around our house.
B- we need to figure out the Christmas list and budget for the kids.
N-what do you mean?
B-well, I want to have about 5 gifts each for the kids so I need to figure out a list and what we can spend.
N-well, that's not how we did it.
B-do tell.
N-my dad just gave us $50 dollars and told us to get what we wanted.
Ok, despite the fact that this would completely ruin the "magic" of Christmas, you know going to bed with an empty tree and waking up to see that Santa's been by. In what world is it a good idea to turn the entire sum of Christmas dollars over to a two and four year old and let them have at it? We would have a house full of bubble tape and permanent markers. While I can appreciate the whole "avoid the day after return line" philosophy of this approach I'm fairly certain it only came into play after Nate, who is the youngest, was able to display fairly reasonable purchasing abilities and his dad was like, "all right, I think they all got it, let the countries govern themselves" My dear husband seems to completely over estimate the kids' brain age in relation to their actual ages.
B-we need to take a dish to my family thanksgiving what do you think we should do
N- WONTONS
B- for thanksgiving??????
N- what were you thinking?
B- I don't know, stuffing, sweet potatoes, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries, you know the usual stuff. What did you have?
N- well, we had a turkey (loaf, I discovered) and then like, chow mien, egg rolls, wontons, fried rice.........
B (stunned) yeah..ok....whatever.
Listen, I don't have to be right all the time. The wontons were a hit and have become new tradition. See I can compromise. But no turkey loaf for me. Easter set off a whole new kind of confusion.
B- I need to get the baskets ready for the Easter Bunny to come.
N- baskets?
B- Yeah, at our house you left your empty basket out and the bunny filled it with small toys and candy and then hid it for you to find.
N- no that's not how it goes at all we woke up an there were small candies and toys around the house.
B- oh hidden?
N- no, just all over the living room floor.
B- (thinking of conceding) oh and then you gathered it up and put it in your baskets?
N- what are the baskets about? We just used grocery sacks.
B- ooooohkaaaay, were doing this one my way.
B- we need to figure out the Christmas list and budget for the kids.
N-what do you mean?
B-well, I want to have about 5 gifts each for the kids so I need to figure out a list and what we can spend.
N-well, that's not how we did it.
B-do tell.
N-my dad just gave us $50 dollars and told us to get what we wanted.
Ok, despite the fact that this would completely ruin the "magic" of Christmas, you know going to bed with an empty tree and waking up to see that Santa's been by. In what world is it a good idea to turn the entire sum of Christmas dollars over to a two and four year old and let them have at it? We would have a house full of bubble tape and permanent markers. While I can appreciate the whole "avoid the day after return line" philosophy of this approach I'm fairly certain it only came into play after Nate, who is the youngest, was able to display fairly reasonable purchasing abilities and his dad was like, "all right, I think they all got it, let the countries govern themselves" My dear husband seems to completely over estimate the kids' brain age in relation to their actual ages.
B-we need to take a dish to my family thanksgiving what do you think we should do
N- WONTONS
B- for thanksgiving??????
N- what were you thinking?
B- I don't know, stuffing, sweet potatoes, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries, you know the usual stuff. What did you have?
N- well, we had a turkey (loaf, I discovered) and then like, chow mien, egg rolls, wontons, fried rice.........
B (stunned) yeah..ok....whatever.
Listen, I don't have to be right all the time. The wontons were a hit and have become new tradition. See I can compromise. But no turkey loaf for me. Easter set off a whole new kind of confusion.
B- I need to get the baskets ready for the Easter Bunny to come.
N- baskets?
B- Yeah, at our house you left your empty basket out and the bunny filled it with small toys and candy and then hid it for you to find.
N- no that's not how it goes at all we woke up an there were small candies and toys around the house.
B- oh hidden?
N- no, just all over the living room floor.
B- (thinking of conceding) oh and then you gathered it up and put it in your baskets?
N- what are the baskets about? We just used grocery sacks.
B- ooooohkaaaay, were doing this one my way.
4.27.2011
A funny thing happened on the way to my Mother's
The thing that has kept me from starting this blog is where to begin. I still have no idea so I'm just going to jump right in and share the details as I go. I've always wanted a cast. No, not a high kicking song belting broadway crew. I'm talking about the thing you get when you haven't quite mastered the monkey bar cherry drop and you have to be rushed to emergency for x-rays and crutches, that kind if cast. I can remember clutching this leg or that arm and howling for my mom to take me to the emergency room because I was sure it was broken this time. And don't even get her started on the time I refused to move my arm for a whole day begging for an x-ray so I could finally get that plaster trophy (and the sympathy I deserved) only to break form at the last minute when the doc balanced the patient file on my head and I snatched it out of thin air as it slipped off. Whaddya know? A miracle.
Turns out a cast was never in the stars for me. The are some questionable nose injuries but no proven breaks. Flash forward from attention seeking youth to (reasonably) responsible adult. Whilst walking (practically skipping on my way to a shopping trip with my momma) down the stairs in my garage I step precariously over the loose cans of green beans and creamed corn rolling around at the base of the step. Wait, you all don't have loose cans of vegetables in extremely dangerous pathways in your houses (or garages)? Oh come on where's your sense of adventure? I step at a ridiculously odd angle, feel my ankle bone touch pavement while I am still standing, and hear a loud POP! I immediately find myself face down on the cold hard gray.
I've heard of your life flashing before your eyes in times of crisis. What I haven't heard of is horrible stories of other people's terrifying injuries resurfacing during your own maladies. My brain instantly conjures the story my brother told of a guy whose leg bone went out the side of his ankle and stuck into the mud. (funny no?) So I lay there sure that the minute I get a look at my leg the bone is going to be looking right back at me,and cursing my brother for ever telling me the story in the first place. Those big brothers, they should be footing all the therapy bills I think. I finally get up, hobble back indoors (with some hubby help) and decide whether I want the embarrassment of going to the urgent care. You see, it's not nearly as exciting when you're (ahem) thirty something as when you something-teen. And you know the sympathy is only going to get you so far before the kids are whining for snacks and you are crutching it around the kitchen trying to decide if it's responsible to take your pain pill at nap time and risk sleeping 3 plus hours longer than them.
A word to the wise, no matter how many attempts you have at telling your "I tripped over the disgusting mess at the bottom of the stairs that shouldn't have been there in the first place" story no one cares how emphatically you insist that even though the cans were there you are pretty sure you didn't actually step on one. Why I Locked on the particular importance of getting this across to anyone and everyone I had to relay the story to is still a giant mystery to me. I became crazed with pointing out that, yes I am lazy enough to leave cans there that should have been picked up a month ago but no, I am definitely not stupid enough to step on one. Why? Weird. It became the lead line of the tale, "well, there were some cans at the bottom of the stairs but I DIDN'T step on them." If I was embarrassed about the mess you would think I would change the whole setting "well, you know, I was rescuing a kitten while helping the elderly when I stepped around a ladybug to avoid crushing it and, oops, down I went." whatever, I guess I'll have to stick with the stupid can story, but I didn't step on one.
Well, after a couple of hours in the urgent care (twenty bucks and three x-rays later) it was just a bad sprain. No cast for me. It felt sort of odd to experience relief instead of disappointment at the news. Like I had given up on my last childhood dream.
And that's it , my first blog post. My idea is just talk bout things that make me laugh that I think will make you laugh too. So sit back, relax and enjoy the hilarity that ensues.
Turns out a cast was never in the stars for me. The are some questionable nose injuries but no proven breaks. Flash forward from attention seeking youth to (reasonably) responsible adult. Whilst walking (practically skipping on my way to a shopping trip with my momma) down the stairs in my garage I step precariously over the loose cans of green beans and creamed corn rolling around at the base of the step. Wait, you all don't have loose cans of vegetables in extremely dangerous pathways in your houses (or garages)? Oh come on where's your sense of adventure? I step at a ridiculously odd angle, feel my ankle bone touch pavement while I am still standing, and hear a loud POP! I immediately find myself face down on the cold hard gray.
I've heard of your life flashing before your eyes in times of crisis. What I haven't heard of is horrible stories of other people's terrifying injuries resurfacing during your own maladies. My brain instantly conjures the story my brother told of a guy whose leg bone went out the side of his ankle and stuck into the mud. (funny no?) So I lay there sure that the minute I get a look at my leg the bone is going to be looking right back at me,and cursing my brother for ever telling me the story in the first place. Those big brothers, they should be footing all the therapy bills I think. I finally get up, hobble back indoors (with some hubby help) and decide whether I want the embarrassment of going to the urgent care. You see, it's not nearly as exciting when you're (ahem) thirty something as when you something-teen. And you know the sympathy is only going to get you so far before the kids are whining for snacks and you are crutching it around the kitchen trying to decide if it's responsible to take your pain pill at nap time and risk sleeping 3 plus hours longer than them.
A word to the wise, no matter how many attempts you have at telling your "I tripped over the disgusting mess at the bottom of the stairs that shouldn't have been there in the first place" story no one cares how emphatically you insist that even though the cans were there you are pretty sure you didn't actually step on one. Why I Locked on the particular importance of getting this across to anyone and everyone I had to relay the story to is still a giant mystery to me. I became crazed with pointing out that, yes I am lazy enough to leave cans there that should have been picked up a month ago but no, I am definitely not stupid enough to step on one. Why? Weird. It became the lead line of the tale, "well, there were some cans at the bottom of the stairs but I DIDN'T step on them." If I was embarrassed about the mess you would think I would change the whole setting "well, you know, I was rescuing a kitten while helping the elderly when I stepped around a ladybug to avoid crushing it and, oops, down I went." whatever, I guess I'll have to stick with the stupid can story, but I didn't step on one.
Well, after a couple of hours in the urgent care (twenty bucks and three x-rays later) it was just a bad sprain. No cast for me. It felt sort of odd to experience relief instead of disappointment at the news. Like I had given up on my last childhood dream.
And that's it , my first blog post. My idea is just talk bout things that make me laugh that I think will make you laugh too. So sit back, relax and enjoy the hilarity that ensues.
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